On the 15th of February, I’m going to post a couple of winners. Winners, you ask? What is this talk of winners? I’ll tell you, but you need to stop interrupting.
I’ve got several games here that need to have a new home. They don’t get played because my friends don’t want to play them, and playing a game designed for 2 or more, solo, is just wrong on so many levels I can’t even begin to explain. So, that being said, I’m going to send out, on my dime, WORLDWIDE (cuz tha’s how I be rollin, beyotches. Reco’nize!), a couple of bad ass games. The economy sucks, and Obama’s spending borrowed money like he won it on “Jeopardy! Asshole Edition”, so what the hell. Why not hook a brother or sister up, right? “Spread it around (TM)”. Maybe I’m just prepping myself for the socialist state, komrades. Shit..really…who knows why I do what I do. I just do it, and you guys get the benefits. Rock on, Pedro.
Anyway, back to the story. What games, you ask? How cool? I told you….stop interrupting.
Very, very fucking cool. The kind of cool that could shrivel your man-parts to the point they may never snap back. The kind of cool that would make your nipples contract to the point that if they were analyzed, a new element, Nipplium, would be discovered and it would be the hardest substance in the known universe. The kind of cool that can only be described, and only in part, by words that do not exist in this dimension. I’d attempt to translate them for you, but after reading it your eyeballs would freeze over and you’d shit York Peppermint Patties for a month. That fucking cool, mijos y mijas.
I’ve got a copy of Twilight Struggle sitting here, right now, looking all twilighty and sexy. But wait…you said there were 2 items! What could be cooler than the #1 game in the world, according to Boardgamegeek.com, you ask?? The fact that it’s the Deluxe Edition. Not some chincy, fucked up poo-butt edition, and not one that’d been puked on or defiled in any manner. It’s pristine, and it’s yours. So what, you ask, does the great and powerful Wizard of TNT have in addition to this ragingly fucking cool superprize?!?!?
Again with the interruptions…ease back, people. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
The other game I have here, sitting pretty in oh-so-many-ways, is Cutthroat Caverns! I mean, you know I love backstabbery on a scale that only “Spartacus: Blood and Sand” has more blood-geysers shooting from the backs of fallen foes. Having sex with your sister and then framing your father for it kind of backstabbery. I’m talking about mean, nasty gameplay that can ruin marriages and make children flee, screaming, from their own homes, hands locked to their teddy bears with a Kung Fu death grip. That’s Cutthroat Caverns. And that’s yours.
HOW DO I WIN?!?!? HOW?!?!? Simple. First, stop interrupting. Then, just be signed up as a follower, over there on the lower left side of the page. See those
suckers loyal readers? They’re followers. They get this tripe emailed to their RSS reader weekly. You can be them. Think “Old Spice Guy” moment here.
It’s that simple. Don’t worry, I’m not selling your email addresses. Shit, I don’t even know that I could find out what they were if I tried. I’m a writer, not a “web guy”. Look at my logo…it’s fucking pathetic. It’s like that guy in the wheelbarrow from “My Left Foot” (that later ended up killing his buddy for oil and talking that “there will be blood” bullshit…) drew it with a sharpie with his left foot, while high on LSD. No, I’m sure that I can’t figure out what your email address is.
Why, then, do I do this for you, knowing you’re the only ones reading this? Because I think games should be played, not sat on a shelf to somehow make my life more complete. I am secure with the size of my penis, or at least that’s what I tell myself. Sometimes. So, I don’t need to have a giant game “library” that has more dust on it than George W. Bush’s dictionary to make me feel whole. But that’s just me. I like what I like, and sometimes I buy games that I don’t like, not knowing I won’t like them. So, my stupidity is your gain.
Ah…I digress. Sign up, and I will randomly (and will post pictures of the drawing if I can) choose the winners. I am the final arbiter of who the winners are, and if you don’t like it, as they say in Mother Russia, “Toughsky Shitsky”. I haven’t decided if I will be putting small photos onto a cardboard target and throwing darts to select winners, or if I will simply have my children choose 2 avatars they like the best. I may float little paper boats and load them with wee standies of your avatar so I can sink the boats with my pee, having the last person’s avatar to sink become the winner. I don’t know yet…these things are delicate. I have to contemplate the most absurd way to select a winner and then make it more absurd. I’m thinking rockets will be involved. Yes, definately rockets.
Anyhow, I will announce the winners here at the Circus (if you’ve read this far, you know it’s aptly named) and if you don’t email me to acknowledge you want it, well, you really didn’t read the blog (see disclaimer below) and therefore aren’t getting shit from me. I’ll hold onto it for the next drawing. Or something. Or maybe, if I can figure out how to post video to the blog, I will explode the game, upload the video, and admonish you publicly so you know what you could have had if you’d only simply checked the blog on that one, single day, the 15th of February.
Fuck it, you know what? Let’s throw in a copy of Saboteur, too. That’s 3 lucky winners. Just remember me when you’re looking for a solid game review and maybe a chuckle, we’ll call it even.
Note: If you sign up just to win something, and then you delete your subscription, you’re an asshat. Nothing will ever fix you. I hope you shit your pants badly (while farting exceptionally loudly and unexpectedly) on a very romantic date with the girl of your dreams, and she pukes on you from the smell, leaving you sitting there in your own soiled, filthy, formerly tidy whities and never returning your calls. Ever.
If you sign up and enjoy the commentary, thanks for reading!