It’s kind of ridiculous that I haven’t had the taste police come and arrest me. But alas, two full years I’ve been at this, burning your retinas into submission.
And so, as a reward for your steadfast masochism, I’m giving away my stuff. But you knew that. Many of you emailed me. And so, here’s the dealio.
IF I GOT AN EMAIL FROM YOU, I will be emailing you back with a list. The list will have several items on it. You are to put them in order of how much you want them, rated 9 as the highest and 1 as the least.
So, for example, your list might look like this:
Sex with a forest animal 5
Captain Crunch, soggy 6
Oral favors from a professional 9
A talking rooster 7
The Situation to read you his poetry 4
A skeleton to come alive so you could relive a D&D fantasy 8
So, according to this list, I’d REALLY like oral favors from a professional. If that wasn’t available, I’d like a skeleton to battle. If I’m not getting oral favors from a hooker AND I’m not getting to battle a skeleton, I’d rather have a talking rooster. The last thing in the world that I want is The Situation to read me his poetry.
So, respond to the email I send you with what you want. FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED. As I said, this isn’t a contest. This is me giving you shit, and I’m essentially yelling into the crowd, “What do you bitches want?” to which you are responding, “I want these games, and I want X more than Y.”
If you really want to pay for shipping to you, put that in the note too, because that may sway my opinion. Maybe. Probably not, but if 2 emails came in 30 seconds apart and one said they’re paying shipping, well, a brotha gots to eat.
So, there you have it. Keep your inboxes open, keep your hands off your junk and ready to type.